Grief and Fear

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed

I find it nothing short of remarkable that one man, who was living and breathing and most importantly to me, writing before i was ever even close to being an idea, can have so many words that apply to my own thoughts, ideas and feelings. Its remarkable that this man, no matter how many times i read his words, i walk away thinking profoundly different than the moments leading up to that reading. The man whom I'm speaking of is none other then that of C.S. Lewis.

I have read most of his writings, read and reread a good many of them. Even the ones I have reread i come away with something different than the first time my mind absorbed his words. To call the man a genius isn't doing him justice. Why the sudden little praise chorus for Mr. Lewis? Well because I remembered his words from A Grief Observed and how they so fittingly apply to me.

I had never before equated the feelings of fear to grief, but after having that pointed out to me, the resemblance is almost uncanny. Like Lewis said, "The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." All things one would do when feeling afraid or nervous, yet also the very same thing I have been doing in my grief stricken past weeks, perhaps grief may seem too strong a word to describe me, if you like you can refer to the usual word "depression" but it is no different than grief.

I have become increasingly restless, I can't ever seem to be doing enough to keep my mind occupied. The fluttering in the stomach as if something, at any moment, might abruptly happen. While I keep swallowing, I find for myself I more so keep trying to gasp for air, as if it might run out or that it is or has run out. All things I do when I am deeply afraid.

So could it be that maybe at some level grief and fear are the same thing? Maybe they don't always go hand in hand, for instance if I'm afraid it doesn't really mean i am grieving. But if I'm feeling grief am I at some level also afraid? With the feelings and actions so uncannily related in both, I can't help at my present state see how they don't fit nicely together like two puzzle pieces.

With my current grief stricken state, I have no doubt i have a great level of fear involved with it too. Fear on many different levels. As I'm sure your more than aware upon this reading the main reason for my grief is that of while not a completed broken heart, just a severely wounded one. As anyone else who has felt this same unpleasant feeling, it does feel strongly like fear.

For instance, while I am at some level confident this story ends happily, that my wounded heart will in fact break completely. That she will move on in a much more permanent way. That at any moment another man may walk across her path and at that moment the rug is pulled out from me suddenly and she is in love with somebody else. Yes I know that this all sounds very suspiciously like i belong so some sub-genre of people more commonly known by high-schoolers and the younger crowd these days as "emo" short for the word "emotional" And while I am emotional and depressed I can promise I am not in fact "emo". I just happen to be experiencing some very strong and confusing emotions that my mind is struggling to grasp and deal with.

Which is another reason that fear comes into play, that i don't fully comprehend what I'm feeling, that it might have come as a shock to discover how drastically discolored and dim the world would become when I no longer could call her mine and she call me hers. But the fact that everything was so extremely dimmed so jarringly I was taken quite a back and now no longer know how to keep moving in the dreary environment my mind has cast me into.

I still find enjoyment in things, I am still able to laugh and smile at occurrences, yet none of it is the same because of the grief I feel, and that terrifies me. So yes, C.S. Lewis is more than correct. While maybe they don't go hand in hand, or have much to do with each other outside of coincidence, grief really does feel overwhelmingly like fear.

Overdue

This video by the incredible band "The Get Up Kids" is pretty profound and deep. The song title is "Overdue" The main character is trapped in a box with nothing but the idea of the girl he loves to keep him company. He hopes to one day be with her. However, it is tragically and painfully obvious that this is impossible for him. The significance of the house is also powerful because it essentially represents his prison. The individual is hopeless yet profoundly powerful due to his relatable nature. As the house disappears, he is left with nothing.

Brief Thoughts on Happiness.

It is a honest fact that every single human being on this planet truly wants to be happy. Some people may shrug off happiness or act like it isn't important, or that they prefer misery, they are all liars. Everyone really wants and is searching for happiness. Some people find it easily, some spend their whole lives looking for it and sadly some of those people may never find it. There is also a good amount of people out in the world that will have you believe that they have found happiness, when really they haven't at all.

That last group of people I think have merely been surrounded by things. Things that bring enjoyment. Enjoyment does not equal happiness, although it may disguise itself as that way. I enjoy a good number of things, none of which make me completely happy, these things that I enjoy really in the grand and eternal scheme of things mean nothing. No matter how much the world tries to convince me other-wise.

We are all meant to be happy, every single person on this earth. That doesn't mean we will be happy though. Like in everything we have to work for it. Happiness just doesn't come to you always. Maybe for some it does, for me it sure as heck doesn't, but that is what makes me appreciate it so much. Things that come hard or you have to work for always mean more than something that is handed to you on a silver plate.

So I say if you finally do find that something that brings you true and honest happiness, the kind where your not left thinking about what more you could have, but only of the blissful contentment that honest happiness brings then grab hold of that and never let it go. The problem is so many people do really get confused on what real happiness is, but I am certain that if it does bring you honest happiness, then it is a good thing for you and you should hold on tightly. Because some people may never find that happiness that you have, and maybe you won't find it again either. Anyways, that is my seemingly random and slightly lengthy "thought" on happiness, at least for now.

The Intro

I don't really know why I am starting this blog at the moment. I already have another one, although its all about upcoming films I think should be on every body's radar. This is going to be something entirely different for me, what exactly it will end up being I am still not 100 percent positive.

Whether I'll actually end up writing anything here that is of substance and that is also worth peoples time to take a minute out of their day to read...well that's also up in the air. I could end up writing a bunch of worthless drivel that never amounts up to anything except an incoherent mess. It is not my wish nor desire to write something like that, but if that's what ends up here then so be it, and I apologize profusely ahead of time.

What I do plan on writing about though could be a number of things, depending on the day, my mood, or what is happening out in the world we live. I intend to write my thoughts. Whether it be my thoughts on happiness, unhappiness. It could be my thoughts on the current headlines (although lets all hope I can stay clear of the nastiness known more commonly as politics) It could be my thoughts on life, after-life, love, heartbreak and everything in-between. I will also maybe write short stories and or poems. The point is, I will maybe write about anything and or everything. So you can see how this could either turn out to be something that could perhaps be worth yours and maybe somebody elses time or it could not at the same time. I don't know which it will be, and at this particular time and point, I don't really care. I just want to write, so that is what I am going to do.

Now you may be possibly wondering why the title of "...As It All Comes Crashing Down". And you have every right to be wondering that. The reason for the title is a two part. Part One: One of my all time favorite bands is called Thrice and they are unbelievably talented both musically and lyrically. They have a song titled "Paper Tigers" during which a line of lyric goes "listen for the sound as it all comes crashing down". I can't tell you exactly why but I have always loved that line, maybe it has something to do with part two. Part Two: I have and always have had struggles with depression. It is a clinical illness that sometimes isn't too fun, and sometimes it feels to me like everything is "crashing down" around me, even if maybe it isn't. So maybe I'll write a good number of things down as it all comes crashing down....that is part two.

I think that about does it for the introduction to this small page that is now imprinted into the world wide web, and hopefully it was enough to convince or trick you into looking in again at another time. What will be here awaiting next time, I don't even know. I only know that there will be something......